It's been about a month since my largest depression I've ever felt. I finally got myself the mental help I needed, I was given anti-depression and anti-anxiety medications and at first, things were difficult. I've never taken psychiatric drugs before and they told me that the worse your depression, the better it works. It worked swimmingly well, a little
too well. During the first few days, I had to go through a stabilization period where my brain is getting used to this rush of serotonin to the point where I was either a nervous wreck or I was going to jump in front of whatever was moving next to me in hopes of getting ran over. Needless to say, giving a significantly paranoid person pills that would make them more anxious was probably a bad idea.
It's been a month now and the first few days were tough, but I'm pulling through. The problem now is that the doctor who prescribed me the drugs mentioned that I'm "highly likely" to have Asperger's. I've read up the symptoms and I found myself highly identifying with this disorder. I probably wouldn't have ever considered having it in the first place were it not for a few comments in my past over whether or not I had it. In case you don't know what Asperger's is, here's a definition:
Asperger syndrome (AS), also known as
Asperger's syndrome or
Asperger disorder, is an
autism spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction, alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. It differs from other autism spectrum disorders by its relative preservation of
linguistic and
cognitive development. Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and atypical use of language are frequently reported.
This resonates a lot with me, but being the person I am, a lot of definitions are made to sound very general. Like anyone can have it. Hell, I've tried to self-diagnose myself a few times via internet and thought, "Dear god, I have cancer." However, even if I were officially diagnosed, as a man of science, I need to state that correlation is not a means of causation. Meaning: I'm not an awkward jerk because I have asperger's, I'm an awkward jerk who happens to be diagnosed with asperger's. But a lot of it makes sense and if you care, here's why:
I've been told repeatedly to either "speak up" or "you talk WAY too loud". I often have to ask people to repeat what they're said, not just once or twice, but six times or more. After a while, I just nod and pretend to hear what they've said. I found out recently that a trait of asperger's is having an auditory processing disorder (such as being unable to pick out a particular voice in a place where you hear other people talking or where there's too much background noise). For a while, I used to think I had hearing problems, but if that were the case, I wouldn't be able to hear a cell phone going on vibrate three rooms away when it's relatively quiet or hear things other people don't. When I'm at a café during the lunch rush, I can barely hear what the barista is saying to me and it's not that it gets too loud, but rather there's too much going on and can't pick out the voice I should be listening to unless it louder than the others.
I have trouble maintaining or making eye-contact with people. It adds a social pressure that gradually builds up and I start either stuttering or going completely quiet if I can't make the choice to get up and leave. I'm already a nervous wreck (without the pills at least), but social situations make it even more so.
I have a routine everyday and if anyone tries to disturb that routine I get flat out pissed off. (Especially my morning routines.) This is evident in my job when I'm told to do one thing, but then I'm continuously interrupted half-way or part-way I get confrontational. Because of this, I have trouble with authority. People in higher statuses have the power to disrupt your routine without question and this is an issue I have with them. I've hated being told what to do since I was a kid. The more someone forces something into me, the more likely I'll resist it. Because of this, I gave up Catholicism very early and left my religious after-school program. The program made us go to church everyday, memorize lines I didn't understand and if you didn't obey, the counselor would hit you over the head with a bible. It wasn't long until I was out of there, to this day I hate holding symbols that pertain to that particular faith. Because of how much it was forced, I have a strong rejection towards it today.
This is also why I was always hit by my mom. I hated being demanded, we were both stubborn. If you yell at me and command me to do something, I'll fight you back. My mom didn't like that so much and hit me much more than my brother. This is probably also why I got into a shit-ton of arguments in high school. I still get into arguments now (exclusively to friends and family, I normally tend to avoid confrontation with strangers), but not as much as I used to. However, I recently ran into a peer from high school and after a short conversation mentioned, "Wow, you've changed. You were a pretty disagreeable person back then, but now.."
I've improved some since I've related to these symptoms and have attempted to be more aware of what I'm doing. However, this cannot be said for familiar interactions, I talk very little (if at all) to strangers and prefer to keep interaction to a minimum, but I can't stop myself from going on long-winded, pointless tangents around my family members, even if they have no idea what I'm talking about. (I'm working on it though.) I have improved much, but I still have select mutism and I'm very possessive and territorial when it comes to my house.
From my perspective, mandatory social interactions at work, school and my internships completely and utterly drain me. Any moment I have to myself I use to pull myself together and cherish that brief moment of silence. Whether it's walking to the train station from school to work or some down-time at my work and I'm left to my own devices. When I come home, it's to get away from all that forced interaction, have some peace, quiet and precious me-time to do whatever I wish. However, the moment someone brings in company....
This is the reason I hate it when my brother brings in his girlfriends, like I give a fuck who they are. Mom's got her boyfriend (or not, don't really know and don't care) and Dad's got his, but at least they don't bring them over and force themselves into the family. No, just no. I don't care who you're with, but DON'T BRING THEM HERE. Yes, brother, I'm directing this at you. I don't want your current fling to stay frankly because
I fucking hate feeling like an intruder in my own home! (I would prefer not to walk in on you and your girlfriends
again.)
I went on this tangent about having strangers over with my therapist and he finds it amusing how strongly I feel about it.
(Trust me, there's not a whole lot I'm passionate about.) They don't even have to be significant others of my family members, they can even just be a friend they're bringing over and I still feel the same way..
It doesn't even matter how nice they are, I'm sure they're lovely people, but I won't like them until they're out of my god damn house. (I don't even care if they're in a separate room minding their own business, the point is that they're still in the house and I want them out.)
I could go on about symptoms or how slow I feel in comparison to my age-group, but I have mentioned my suspicion of having asperger's to someone before and they shot down my belief due to the fact that I seemed too self-aware. Dude's got a point, but the thing is that I've been this way all of my life, but since my 2-year period where I had a lot of reflecting to do, I've learned how insensitive and off-putting I was, but never realized it at the moment when said moments occurred. There's a loss of control the moment I start talking about something I like to the point where I get fanatical and probably miss social cues. However, this self-diagnosis isn't something I'll use as a crutch, but I'll use it to identify what my symptoms are and how I can improve on them. Yes, I hate eye-contact, but I'm putting myself through mock interviews and I'm working on it. Repeated/forced customer interaction at my job has lessened my anxiety somewhat (with the help of my medication). Correlation isn't a means of causation. Yes, my symptoms add up and I may have asperger's, but I'm not going to use it to justify the whole, "I'm weird because I was born this way", but instead, "I'm weird, but how can I change certain things to the point where it's passable?"
I may never be normal. Hell, I don't know what "normal" is, but the most I can do is work on identifying cues and pay attention to the other person instead of thinking how much I'd rather sit in a corner and read or coo at pigeons.
My depression is improving and my social skills still suck, but I'm working on them. Even if the day comes where I get an official diagnosis, I promise myself to not use it as an excuse for my rude behavior (even if I'm not aware of what it is).
I still don't want outsiders in my castle though.And I'm still probably going to get into frequent arguments with my dad. Just because you don't know how something works, it doesn't mean that aliens did it.
True
QuantumStorm
